TWoP Recaps

All virus-fighting and no snark makes Tubey a dull boy.

Feb 13

Pretty Little Liars 3x19 “What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?” Recaplet

Everybody ends up in nightmarish Rosewood versions of classic Hollywood rom-coms and it’s totally bizarre, and Spencer finally loses it altogether.

Spencer’s madness starts to get more understandable when A threatens the other Liars’ safety if she doesn’t keep Toby’s secret… But by the time she’s got Hot Andrew (!) in a heated private game of strip poker for her position on the Academic Decathlon team, you start to notice that Crazy Spencer is, in many ways, way less crazy than Original Spencer.

Sister Melissa cockblocks that attempt, but it inspires some kind of confidence in Hot Andrew such that he spends the rest of the episode wearing some very tailored and flattering clothing and posing all around the place. It is excellent. Even more excellent is how Dr. Wren shows up out of nowhere, sending Melissa into apoplexy, to escort Spencer around and generally try and talk her down from this new ledge of crazy she’s found herself stranded on. She drags him to an Aca Deca event several towns away, then abruptly goes absolute ham on Mona in front of everybody, in a beautiful frenzy.

What is most amazing about Mona Vanderwaal’s hyperreality matrix powers is that somehow people feel sympathy for her. I mean it, that’s a legitimate storyline on this show, how the people of Rosewood can look at Spencer throttling the shit out of Mona and be like, “How weird, why would Spencer bear her such ill will?”

Hanna forces Caleb and his father to reconcile, and then forces Ashley to get Pastor Ted to give Caleb’s father a job, and then immediately realizes that Caleb’s father is a hot blue-collar drifter with an agenda. And that agenda is to steal small sums of money from the church poorbox. Oh, Jamie Whatever Guy, I can’t go for that. No can do.

CeCe offers Aria a job photographing all of her Tresemm√© products, which is such a large task that she drags poor homeless Wesley Fitzgerald along for the ride. After a ridiculous amount of time spent solving a “red wine on white Muppet-skin carpet” problem, they head back to Aria’s for a mortifying little poetry recitation that ends with, of course, smooches. Because any mouth that can spurt Edna St. Vincent Millay at you on demand is a mouth worth kissing.

Of course, the idea of anybody dating anybody remotely appropriate on this show threatens the existence of the universe as we know it, so they blush and run to their corners — but what was CeCe’s point in scheming them together in the first place? One assumed it would result in an A attack, but no. Just some gaywad poetics and then a li’l kissin’. Did I miss something?

Emily and Jason spend the episode looking for some picture that proves CeCe and Alison and Wilden all got each other pregnant that time at Cape May, and they find it, while Jason explains that he is pretending to be allied with Mona but only because he is appalled at the things that keep happening to his sister’s corpse. His point is strengthened but not proven after A leaves like a billion beers on his porch, which is kind of rude to do to a person who has come so far in his journey out of crippling marijuana addiction and into the light.

Then somehow Jason ends up plummeting to his death in an elevator, which I guess really does prove his point but then he’s not dead — the picture is just gone. I guess while he was coming back from plummeting to his death in an elevator, somebody retrieved it from his reviving corpse. Spencer meets up with the Liars at his bedside, apologizes for acting crazy but not in a way where it seems likely she is going to stop acting crazy, and then Jason disappears.

I really don’t know what is going on with these people, these NAT Club people. CeCe Drake is doing weird freelance-photography schemes on people, Jason is apparently just as magical and indestructible as his many crazy sisters both dead and alive, Alison’s back in town constantly running into everybody even though they have buried that bitch 87 times… It’s a very exciting time to try to understand what is actually happening on this show.

Next Week: Spencer tells the Liars about Toby, maybe, but only after being near murdered by a robot shower, and also somebody gets hit by a car, so I guess next week is when the A-Team decides to revisit some classic A stuff. I really hope the suddenly appearing origami boats come back, that was the best one. Or the necklace of human teeth. I don’t know that it would be as surprising the second time you receive a necklace of human teeth from an anonymous admirer. Actually you know what, it might make it even more surprising, the second time. It’s like that old joke:

Q: “What’s more of a surprise than a necklace made of human teeth?”
A:: “Two human-tooth necklaces, several months apart.”

— Jacob Clifton

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